Crystal ball time

It's that time of year again, when everybody and anybody rustles up a list of events that took place during the previous year. More often than not, a small crystal ball is also dusted off and predictions given for the forthcoming year. Well, as Something Something wasn't around for the whole of 2005, you'll just have to put up with my predictions for 2006. Here we go...

January
Another top politician joins Arik Sharon's Kadima party. After crying live on TV.
Yair Lapid wears something that is not in black.
The blogger Jeru Guru is revealed to be a Haredi mother of six.
Something Something is pipped into second place at the Jewish & Israel blog awards.

February
Sharon farts rather noisily during a live TV interview.
A second x-ray reveals that Sharon's suspected tumour is in fact a bagette lodged in his stomach.
Eilat hosts the Winter Olympics after unexpectedly getting snowed in.

March
Kadima win the elections. Sharon is PM.
Labour and Likud pick up the scraps and tie for second place.
Peretz resigns to launch a moustache grooming service.
Netanyahu tries crying live on TV, but it's too late...
Peres returns to lead Labour after Sharon refuses to make him Sports Minister.
Shas is decimated. They vow to appeal to the Ashkenazim next time round.
Tommy Lapid wins one seat. That seat is the co-host seat alongside his son Yair as Tommy returns to television.

April
Out of the blue, Iran's President invites Sharon to his Passover barbeque. An international incident is almost caused when Sharon devours the President's prize flock of sheep.
People flock to see Betar Jerusalem play after they sign Ronaldinho on loan until the end of the season.
The Israeli Air Force sends a squadron of F-16s to Iran. To drop flowers.

May
Pictures of Iran's President and Sharon embracing inject fresh optimism into the region and throughout the world.
A shortage of sunflower seeds threatens to ruin the average Israeli's summer. A cabbage flavoured alternative fails to win over consumers.
Hamas, Hizbullah and the Islamic Jihad decide to trade in their military uniforms for a new powder pink look.

June
Record numbers of Iranian tourists converge upon Tel Aviv and Jerusalem.
Palestinian Chairman Abbas calls a tearful press conference to denounce Sharon after a story is leaked that Sharon refused to return Abbas' PSP (PlayStation Portable).
Peretz's English skills (after studying at Anglosaxy's English school) are the deciding factor in Sharon recruiting him as his new Tourism Minister.

July
An "Iran Day" is declared. Israelis are forced to eat Persian delicacies, such as Gondi.
An all out strike by air conditioning workers brings the country to its knees.
The streets of Israel are flush with youth wearing "Rooney 9" England t-shirts and shouting "Fuck Off!", after England's stunning World Cup success.

August
Ehud Olmert temporarily takes control of the country as Sharon takes rather too long in the little boys room.
In an astonishing move, the teachers union decides not to strike and teachers (and children) face having to come in to school on September 1st.
The name Mahmoud becomes Israel's favourite name for newborn baby boys. And girls.

September
Reformed gangster Ze'ev Rosenstein wins an award for services to the community.
The new craze sweeping the country is cursing in Persian. "Borogumshuh!"
Tragedy strikes during secret "make up" talks with the Palestinians. Travelling in the same car, Sharon falls on Nabil Shaath on a hairpin bend.

October
The Rolling Stones cancel their 5 dates in Tel Aviv due to "security concerns". Rumours abound that Mick Jagger couldn't get insurance for his aging lips.
Sharon adopts a goldfish and calls him Nabil out of respect to the departed Palestinian Deputy PM.
Madonna confirms her conversion to Kanabbalism in yet another visit to Tel Aviv. Sorry, that's Kabbalism. She is now known as Esther Goldberg.

November
A successful and historic visit by Iran's President to Jerusalem ends in tearful farewells.
Rumors of a sex tape of the President and Sharon are dismissed by Sharon's aides.
Yair and Tommy Lapid decide to split up their ratings disaster partnership.
Snow once again hits Eilat as Mount Hermon bakes in a 40 degree heatwave.

December
A new one-calorie, low carb sufganya (donut) is created just in time for Hanukkah.
Arik Sharon is Israel's slimmer of the year, now weighing in at a svelte 100kg.
Jesus makes a one-off Christmas appearance at Bethlehem. No "security concerns" for this guy, though he does surprise many with his overweight, balding and tattooed appearance.
Something Something picks up 8 nominations for the upcoming Jewish & Israel blog awards.