Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Crystal ball time

It's that time of year again, when everybody and anybody rustles up a list of events that took place during the previous year. More often than not, a small crystal ball is also dusted off and predictions given for the forthcoming year. Well, as Something Something wasn't around for the whole of 2005, you'll just have to put up with my predictions for 2006. Here we go...

January
Another top politician joins Arik Sharon's Kadima party. After crying live on TV.
Yair Lapid wears something that is not in black.
The blogger Jeru Guru is revealed to be a Haredi mother of six.
Something Something is pipped into second place at the Jewish & Israel blog awards.

February
Sharon farts rather noisily during a live TV interview.
A second x-ray reveals that Sharon's suspected tumour is in fact a bagette lodged in his stomach.
Eilat hosts the Winter Olympics after unexpectedly getting snowed in.

March
Kadima win the elections. Sharon is PM.
Labour and Likud pick up the scraps and tie for second place.
Peretz resigns to launch a moustache grooming service.
Netanyahu tries crying live on TV, but it's too late...
Peres returns to lead Labour after Sharon refuses to make him Sports Minister.
Shas is decimated. They vow to appeal to the Ashkenazim next time round.
Tommy Lapid wins one seat. That seat is the co-host seat alongside his son Yair as Tommy returns to television.

April
Out of the blue, Iran's President invites Sharon to his Passover barbeque. An international incident is almost caused when Sharon devours the President's prize flock of sheep.
People flock to see Betar Jerusalem play after they sign Ronaldinho on loan until the end of the season.
The Israeli Air Force sends a squadron of F-16s to Iran. To drop flowers.

May
Pictures of Iran's President and Sharon embracing inject fresh optimism into the region and throughout the world.
A shortage of sunflower seeds threatens to ruin the average Israeli's summer. A cabbage flavoured alternative fails to win over consumers.
Hamas, Hizbullah and the Islamic Jihad decide to trade in their military uniforms for a new powder pink look.

June
Record numbers of Iranian tourists converge upon Tel Aviv and Jerusalem.
Palestinian Chairman Abbas calls a tearful press conference to denounce Sharon after a story is leaked that Sharon refused to return Abbas' PSP (PlayStation Portable).
Peretz's English skills (after studying at Anglosaxy's English school) are the deciding factor in Sharon recruiting him as his new Tourism Minister.

July
An "Iran Day" is declared. Israelis are forced to eat Persian delicacies, such as Gondi.
An all out strike by air conditioning workers brings the country to its knees.
The streets of Israel are flush with youth wearing "Rooney 9" England t-shirts and shouting "Fuck Off!", after England's stunning World Cup success.

August
Ehud Olmert temporarily takes control of the country as Sharon takes rather too long in the little boys room.
In an astonishing move, the teachers union decides not to strike and teachers (and children) face having to come in to school on September 1st.
The name Mahmoud becomes Israel's favourite name for newborn baby boys. And girls.

September
Reformed gangster Ze'ev Rosenstein wins an award for services to the community.
The new craze sweeping the country is cursing in Persian. "Borogumshuh!"
Tragedy strikes during secret "make up" talks with the Palestinians. Travelling in the same car, Sharon falls on Nabil Shaath on a hairpin bend.

October
The Rolling Stones cancel their 5 dates in Tel Aviv due to "security concerns". Rumours abound that Mick Jagger couldn't get insurance for his aging lips.
Sharon adopts a goldfish and calls him Nabil out of respect to the departed Palestinian Deputy PM.
Madonna confirms her conversion to Kanabbalism in yet another visit to Tel Aviv. Sorry, that's Kabbalism. She is now known as Esther Goldberg.

November
A successful and historic visit by Iran's President to Jerusalem ends in tearful farewells.
Rumors of a sex tape of the President and Sharon are dismissed by Sharon's aides.
Yair and Tommy Lapid decide to split up their ratings disaster partnership.
Snow once again hits Eilat as Mount Hermon bakes in a 40 degree heatwave.

December
A new one-calorie, low carb sufganya (donut) is created just in time for Hanukkah.
Arik Sharon is Israel's slimmer of the year, now weighing in at a svelte 100kg.
Jesus makes a one-off Christmas appearance at Bethlehem. No "security concerns" for this guy, though he does surprise many with his overweight, balding and tattooed appearance.
Something Something picks up 8 nominations for the upcoming Jewish & Israel blog awards.

12 comments:

Liza said...

"A successful and historic visit by Iran's President to Jerusalem ends in tearful farewells."

Next thing you know, they'll be exchanging email addresses and Yahoo Messenger IDs. Can't imagine that either of them comes across too well via webcam...

nrg said...

What type of Avatar would they choose, do you think? This had me laughing, scratching my head and confirming my previous hunch that you all at Something Something just aren't quite right! :-)

Liza said...

Here at Something Something, we are quite left... :-)

lisoosh said...

OK, I'll ask. Is "Borogumshuh!" a real word and if so what does it mean?

I think one correction is in order though - in March Kadima wins the election and Labor and Likud fold as their remaining members, in panic, rush to join. The momentum is so great that after the dust clears it turns out that the Taxi Drivers Party is now No. 2 in the nation.

sta said...

Yep, it's a real word, thanks to She's hubbie. Think it means "get lost" though there are other more fruity variations of this...

Seth said...

From "katumim" to fart jokes. Look what can happen in just a few months when Trep takes you off his blogroll.

Liza said...

Actually, Seth, I don't believe we were ever on his blogroll. Gold star for you though. Thanks so much for dredging up the ugly past!

nrg said...

Will begin using Borogumshuh regularly... I feel this will help me to make friends and influence people...

Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

Hi your friends have written some nasty comments on my site because I don't like Christmas and I am very much against mixed marriage: the jewish law is very clear: it is forbidden to marry a Christian. Thsi si a fact not an opinion!
also we are forbidden to drink wine with anon-Jew

as said...

Perhaps you'd like me to come and post a nasty comment on your blog? Nah, you're better off left alone, festering like the loser you sound like you are...

Liza said...

Datingmaster,

You are certainly welcome to your views and beliefs, but views and beliefs such as these are not welcome here. Save it for your own blog.

Borogumshuh...

Udge said...

I can believe all of those predictions except the very last: there's no way that you are getting only eight nominations ;-)